| journal of forgotten doom |
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| 10:49am 19/05/2009 |
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I've forgotten about this place.
maybe this is why i feel so stressed i can't spill my guts anymore.
well i will start anew.
i am just about to get ready to go to work.
i had a long talk with my mom this morning about the crazy weekend she had involving picking someone up from the poliece station (this person isn't really a friend of hers at all either) and having them spend the night at her place and lock her out the next day from her appt.
I am having days where i get all anxious and don't want to go out in public or have people look at me.
I never feel like doing my makeup anymore or trying to look nice.
I feel like my clothes re all old and tattered and i need to get my look back to the way it was.
Mike is leaving at the end of the summer and i have to pack and i feel so anxious about it.
I really don't want to move back in with my mother but i know there is no other option that is really as good.
I will not have to pay rent or anything and i will be able to save money. plus paying rent for somewhere that i will only be living half the week seems stupid... not to mention trying to find a way to have someone look after alex and pointy and Q while i am away every week seems silly...
I am happy with the people i work with and the place i work but i just don't feel i can keep doing set after set after set of blonde highlights.
I am getting tired... i am getting tired of doing the same thing over and over... but no one wants anything funky... I am getting tired of getting up and putting makeup on and going out the door... I am tired of standing in front of a mirror all day.
It comes and goes though some days i am so happy and others miserable. Today i keep crying for no reason...
but i realize why i cry... Mike is leaving... I go back to my moms... I really have no one to hang out with anymore... Mike is all i have at the moment really... I don't have the confidence to try to meet new friends... I feel the way i always have i feel like i am desperate to find people to hang out with and every time i suggest something people have an excuse or say yes up until the last minute and then can't come or they just don't answer their phone or don't call when they say they will... i know it's me i know i'm paranoid... i just feel so scared and every little thing makes me freak out. |
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| xmas... yeah sure i guess |
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| 05:30pm 15/12/2008 |
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so this year not much going o for xmas... i havn't got hte money for any gifts or any trips.
Aaron isn't comming home.
just gonna spend the day with my mom i guess after i drop mike at his parents house.
I've been working more but i know it's only for this month and it will go back to being dead.
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Have you ever had odd feelings.
Irrational fears.
strange recollections of things that never happened.
As though your dreams begin to replace memories.
Divisions between real and Fantasy begin to blur.
Do you talk to yourself.
When you think no one is watching.
Do you replay all the things you should have said
Over and over
Until you believe you did say them.
You begin to believe no one is a friend.
You begin to believe a friend is a lover.
You begin to believe an enemy is dead.
You begin to believe the good guys win.
Too bad the good guy isn't you
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| don't even bother reading this one |
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| 10:22am 18/11/2008 |
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+++++++++if you do read this one remember I WARNED YOU... this one was written for my benefit and no one elses+++++++
So yesterday i drove a friend to collect a puppy.
We drove the full day.
It was then when i got home with less than a third of a tank of gas left and no money to replace what i had used to take her there that i realized I do way too much to help people that aren't really my friends.
i mean i don't know this girl very well...
But the puppy was really cute and she was gonna not be able to gt it if i didn't drive her that day...
But i can't afford my rent.
I havn't worked a full week in ages.
like over a month.
I really am about three or four inches from leaving the industry all together.
I went from being established and having all the confidence in the world to the point where i am at now .
I am so nervous that i can't eat at work cause i started getting sick.
I can't think on my feet at all and frequently have to go ask about formulas and mixes when i should know the answer easily.
I don't feel confident at all in my work and i am almost afraid to go to work cause i wonder what i will screw up next even though i havn't really screwed up anything ever.
I come home in a panic every day for no reason at all.
I ruin all social gatherings i attend by freaking out about something when people ask "how's work going."
I have been playing WoW again.
although i really can't afford it i think i really need it.
I mean if i don't ever have any friends come visit or go out anywhere
I need some sort of social interaction even if it is just online.
Plus it gives me a distraction.
I'm just really worried about christmas...
I don't actually have enough money for a tree well lets calculate actually because i havn't done that yet.
average pay = a super sad 250 biweekly
average tips= about 40 or so a week
average retail= maybe like 20 a cheque
total income per month like 700
bills = about 50 (power internet)
vet (alex's checkup) = 65
winter tires for car (installed)= 60
rent= 325
food for pointy = 20 (crickets)
add that up= 520
that leaves 180 for gorceries/xmas shopping/an xmas tree/gas/parking for work and anything else i have to pay for.
plus my car insurance that's like 375 comes due next month.
and if i saved that money i couldn't even pay that so xmas is screwed... yeah pretty much.
I ent from making like 2000 a month to this... I got all these things because i could afford it at the time and now i'm broke.
I'm going to have to make some tough decisions here.
i mean the gift part of xmas i can handle i can make almost everything to give to all the people i need to out of stuff i have around the apartment... my long time craft supply packratism has seen to that. and i can handle xmas without a tree. I can live on mister noodles and water... but i can't fuel my car with my own blood or water or mister noodles... thank god gas prices are low and my credit card is payed off... but the main thing i won't be able to afford is that the shop is closed between xmas and newyears and i am not going to have the option to get tips... i am pretty much living on my tips. If after the xmas season i am realistically thinking of leaving the industry... i am going to have to go to school for something else and in hat case i can't spend my savings. I would need them for tuition...
This is driving me insane to the point where i can't seem to do anything else but orry about it.
I hate that about myself i get obsessed with one thing that is going bad to the point i am so stuck on it that i can't even think of a solution and i often reject any solution suggested to me.
Instead of doing anything about it i just sit and think about it over and over because i am afraid to just take action and get on with it because if i do that i might do something wrong..
That's how i ended up staying with nick for five years. That's how i ended up not doing anything when he plastered all of his blogs with half naked pictures of girls and it upset me... it took me more than a month of sitting there looking at them wondering why he needed those girls when he already had me before i even said anything... that's why i didn't do anything when he told me at a party in front of a bunch of strangers that he had done drugs when he made me promise him i never would and made me look like a possessive bitch when i got mad. oh i keep it in i keep it all in and it never goes away.. conversations from when i was five ... other events from when i was young... some i've only told two or three people about ever... and those people don't include my mom.
Who is my mom anyway? you mom is the person who raised you... well i don't have one of those i have a collective mom i guess... my first babysitter who never watched me and let her son cut my hair and clothes with scissors. My cousin I don't even want to talk about that.... My second babysitter who we fired because she punched my brother in the face. greta who i remember very little about... it's funny that i remember the ones from when i was younger way better. anyway then my mom finally shows up for real when i am 14 my brother moves right after... i don't know what is going on with me i look back and try to find it i want to know what made me this way... i want to know where i went wrong i want to know... I want to know where i tore myself away from my friends and my family.... I want to know where i lost my spine and my confidence and my ability to learn.
Lately i keep having flashback of past memories things that haunt me little things like a word someone used or a phrase or anything.. and some are big things.
the other night i woke up in a cold sweat from the most awful dream remembering the day that, in my eyes, my childhood died.
I can remember going to bed. For some reason i chose to wear different pajamas than usual i think the regular ones were int he wash. I had just gotten into bed and the phone rang... the one up in my room that was a different number for the internet but i used it as my number. It was a neighbor asking for my mom.. I told her to call back downstares. I layed back down minorly annoyed at the amount of times people called that number for my mom... the pnone was so high pitched and it would ring like right as i got to sleep. A few minutes later mom yelled up to me "someone called me to tell me that bandit is at the end of the driveway and she seems hurt" I jumped out of bed and ran outside in the snow in my bare feet and my mismatched pajamas. I got to the end of the driveway and my feet were burning i looked around and yelled for bandit. She usually would meow and come running, but i heard nothing. I finally saw her laying curled up on the side of the road right at the mouth of the driveway. It was dark i ran to her and touched her she was stil warm but not moving i pucked her up and took her inside I am sure i woke people up screaming... I already knew. I brought her into the kitchen and we layed her ont he floor on an old towel. then i saw her eyes... they were dead... she had to have only died a minute or two before i got to her. I touched her side and she felt liquid inside. Blood poured from her mouth and rolled down her tongue that hung kind of out of her mouth. Her fur was muddy and wet. She wasn't that shining black and white beautiful baby she was in life at all.. just a cold wet soggy bundle of matter dirty fur and blood.. Somehow i found the strength to wrap her in that towel and put her in a box... we called the vet and arranged to have her cremated the next day.. and that was it... she was just gone...
I can't help but think... I was the one who let her out... I was the one who made them call back downstares... what if i had kept her in and took her up to bed with me... what if i had got mom to coem to the phone instead of being rude and making them call back downstares.... if i had gotten there a few minutes before would she have still been alive...
..... i have to go to work now...... |
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| halloween |
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| 11:15am 31/10/2008 |
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so today is halloween.
I haven't worked for a week almost...
so this makes me wonder if the switch was such a good idea.
i'm going nowhere fast at this point and i may have to ask my boss if i can only work part time so i can get another job so i can pay rent.
I needed the time off but it is realy depressing .
I should be happy i should be busy i should have money by now.
but people are being told i am not doing hair anymore still so i am not getting my return clients back.
at least i am getting my vacation pay from the place i used to work at... that's about the best i can do... i am almost thinking about quitting doing hair.
I love doing hair but if i can't survive doing it there is no point...
I need money.
I need to actually work
I havn't done hair in so long it feels like i barely remember how
I just kind of feel like my life totally drifted away.
my job, my friends.
I really don't have much of anything besides this apartment and my cats...
and mike but with him working so much i pretty much only see him while he is sleeping.
somewhere things went tragically wrong here and i will need to find out what happened before i blow through all my savings.
they tell me to get out and promote myself.. what am i supposed to do? hand out business cards to everyone i see? well i have been doing that. I leave them with my tips every time i eat out i give them to people at the bar i give them to people on the street i give them to my friends to give out i give them to the people in the tattoo shop to give out and still day after day they call me and tell me that they don't need me to come in to work....
my next pay is going to be literally very close to zero.
I worked three days last week and i havn't worked one yet this week.
I would sell things online but i can't since my paypal account is all screwed since that whole purse thing with ronda and i can't get it back. so if i did i could only accept money orders.
i don't even really have the cash for materials...and so close to christmas too i have nothing i havn't been able to pay rent for two months now...
I do not want to move back in with my mom i can't take that.
I am so close to a nervous break down it is crazy as soon as i stop doing anything i just sit there and cry... i can't stop it.. it happens at work it happens at home it happens in the car it happens when i watch cartoons it happens if i go to the movies.... it happens when i try to go to sleep... |
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| long time |
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| 09:12pm 03/10/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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so i am working at sue lawrence for all those who didn't know that.
I'm having trouble getting my clients to fallow me because i found out that someone at TS is telling them that i don't do hair anymore.
Well i do hair and i work at sue lawrence.
things have bee ok i guess... i'm not making a lot of money.
I am just so happy i have Mike as my crutch to stand on... i know it may seem early in the game to say this... but i feel such a different feeling for mike. I have never felt this way about anyone... i mean he doesn't have to do anything at all other than just be here and i am happy.
Q is getting very big.
We got cable
I bought mike an xbox for his birthday
Pointy turns @ next weekend.
But in all this i don't feel i have made any new friends and i have made the mall a very hard place for me to go.
so i mean i am still having mixed feelings... i love where i work but if i don't get booked i am not making enough money to survive... i mean mike can keep us afloat...but i don't want that to be the case.
I feel kind of like i am in a rut... i get upset easily... I have no one really to talk to because i don't know anyone well enough to discuss my shit with without just making them feel overwelmed and all that..
so i am kind of startng to bottle things up... a lot... and then i just put a smile on and go on with it... i mean thats how i lost most of my good friendships in the end.... you know if i had learned to not let people know when things bothered me or to just pretend to be happy a little better... maybe then i could have kept friends...maybe then i wouldn't come home and drink by myself waiting for mike to call on his break.
I used to make things didn't i?
I used to draw..
I used to write.
I used to sing..
where did this all go?
I guess it's time to turn the spare room into a studio... i don't think anyone is moving in with us so. |
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| Q ball/ interview |
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| 07:04pm 19/08/2008 |
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mood:  anxious music: Q running around like a crazy thing
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tomorrow is a day that just might change the rest of my life. I have been being more and more unhappy with my work environment and the mall that it is in due to many factors.
Nick works in the mall.
I spend too much money on stuff i don't need.
My manager does not respect me or anyone that works for her.
The company i work for will do absolutely nothing about the poor management and illegal practices going on in that salon.
so today
On a whim
I took my resume out to the biggest name salon in fredericton.
I was a nervous wreck.
I was certain i wouldn't even get a call back
I was just going to quit outright and take my time to find a new job.
so i went and did my laundry and relaxed for a few hours and suddenly my phone rings.
I answer.
The manager from Sue Laurnece was on the phone.
She had already called my references and everything.
She was impressed with my resume and wants me to come in tomorrow for an interview.
i am going crazy here.
I hope i will be able to do a good interview.
I really do.
The only thing i worry about is if they ask about my current job.
How does one put "my current job is slowly sucking the life out of me because of the fact that i have a degenerate hick feather-brained uneducated unprofessional retard for a manager" lightly?
i really don't know.
I will have it figured out by then.
I am sure all i will need to do is pour on some old AcheQuore charm and flash them a nice smile.
wish me luck.
Things can only go up from here. |
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| cleaning house... or apartment rather. |
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| 12:14pm 19/07/2008 |
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mood:  crazy
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after an hour of hardcore cleaning i find myself sitting in front of the computer.
I have to kitten proof the apartment for a possible new family member.
I have noticed that alex seems kind of lonely so i thought getting him a little baby sibling might be a good way to give him someone to hang with while mike and i are at work.
But i said we will wait and get one in all good time. i wanted a kitten so that i can overcome my fear of having a kitten since my last few tries at having one ended quite badly.
i hadn't really been looking since i had already located one for mom cause i think ebby is lonely without alex even though she didn't really like him that much.
anyway the same person that is giving mom a kitten told me yesterday that she doesn't think the guy who wants to take the kitten will take good care of it so she wants me to take him.
if so i've gotta hurry and get this place all free of random boxes and unpacking remnants... it's god to have motivation to clean faster though i got a lot of work done today i am pleased...
aaaahhhhh so much to do... what will i name him? I will need kitten food. I will need a new collar for him and a dish. I've never had a brown kitty that wasn't a stray. Oh shit i didn't tell mike yet whooops. vet bills vet bills no worries i saved up... it was for a new tattoo but i already got one this year. well if i get that kitten in like a week i'm sure i will be ready i will be talking to danielle about it again today so i am sure i will have more details...
plus i'm making way more money than i thought i was... i had been holding off on buying lunches and things and it was all for naught so i am going to just live comfortably for a while like don't go hungry for the sake of saveing like three bucks...just go get a pretzel dog or something... and i will buy one article of clothing a month if i see something i really want as long as it is under fifty bucks... i've deprived myself of fun for too long... i mean even with me drinkng somewhere around three quarts of vodka and buying mike a 12 pack of beer a month i am still ahead.. so until we get cable or something i am living it jumbo/large. anyway i am off to the store for contraceptives and de-conjestants and then off to work (haha living jumbo/large alright) |
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| Kelsey's wedding |
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| 06:12pm 12/07/2008 |
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so today was kelsey's wedding.
it was a beautiful day for it for sure and everything turned out perfectly.
I showed up at ten am and the wedding was at one so i had a decent amount of time to do the bridal party's hair.
while i was working on kelsey's hair they told me that they went to Sue Laurence to get their hair washed and styled and all that fun stuff for a spa sort of thing and the stylist that was working on kelsey's hair told her her foil placement was beautiful.. that made me feel really good.
That also made me think i might be kind of outgrowing the salon i am in. I have tried several time to contact home office and get things changed but i can't seem to get anything done about the way we are treated at that place. It is getting to the point where i coem home from work and i talk about how much i can't stand out manager all night and then i wake up and talk about how i don't want her to be there when i get there and then i wait till she leaves and think about how much better the lace feels once she is gone.
That woman doesn't respect anyone, she gets jealous of everything and does all she can to sabbotage anything good that goes on in peoples life (ie scheduling people the week of their wedding, cutting back a day or two on someone's vacation so she can take her own, cutting out my vacation intirely when i asked for one) not to mention that everyone in the salon knows about every little thing that goes on and it is just getting to be waaaaay too much gossip.
I am beginning to think i should start to look for another job...
I will make sure i take a little more time to think about it before i go ahead and do anything.
However, the idea is here and it presents rather strongly.
so anyway i hope kelsey and mike have a great day.
they deserve it. |
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| father's day... again. |
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| 05:39pm 15/06/2008 |
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mood:  sad
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so another meaningless father's day for me. i have no reason to celebrate today... and i feel kind of left out. I feel like i should call my mother... but i really don't know what if anything i would say at all to her. so i have chosen to call in the evening when the day is mostly gone... like a coward i will put it off for as long as possible... but i guess in all fairness she could call me if she really needed someone to talk to... because i intend to be the ear that she never was for me if i need to.
anyway i really don't feel like seeing other people today... mikes family want him to come home ... i really don't want to go.. but i will probably end up haveing to. |
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| the shit! it happens. |
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| 08:38pm 12/05/2008 |
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so semi moved in...well mostly just don't have pointy here yet.
i have had a couple of parties so far.. good stuff.
ummm our cottage flooded.. so that kinda sucks
mike is totally working waaay too much but we are not hurting for moneys or anything because of it
decided not to get cable because we can afford dvds instead that we can watch whenever we want and with no commercials.
i kinda miss tv but oh well.
i think i will go play paper mario.
and have a snack.
oh yeah i still have the same cell phone number and yeah... for anyone who was wondering. |
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| moving |
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| 09:48pm 27/03/2008 |
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so next tuesday i move...
I may have limited access to internet for a week or so..
no big deal.
it's a small price to pay for freedom right :}
i can't believe i am finally moving
You know today i had a very busy day
but when it was all over i came home and sat on the couch and thought about how it's not that bad
you know
I went to work hung over and kind of sick and irritable..
but there are people out there who are on their death beds who would kill to be hungover and irritable with a full day of working and physical activity ahead of them.
not to mention
i found someone i really care about and who really cares about me.
I don't have to hide him from my mother
I don't have to lie about where i am going to hang out with him
His parents like me
we are moving to a nice apartment in a fairly quiet area (close to where i grew up) with low rent
and i mean i know i have said this before
but i realistically think that with mike is where i ought to be
I know i said it about nick before but i see the difference
I see emotion and i get all the attention i want without having to try for it.
I don't have to wear anything special or change my hair
I have someone to laugh with and someone to cry with
someone i can have discussions for hours with about nothing
someone who finnishes my random sentences
not to mention he comes with a kind family
and i get along with all of them
even the one who was prepared not to like me :}
and for a little bit of tmi he also comes with a very high drive and i get woken up interesting ways a lot hahahha
it's going to be a great new chapter in the book of megan
just the two of us
working different enough hours so that we don't see eachother way too much
and of corse alex and the lizards come too :}
some sort of low key gatherings will be soon
i just must be really careful of noise cause this area is very picky with that sort of thing |
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| zomg |
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| 09:21pm 19/03/2008 |
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zomg zomg moving
yar i move in two weeks.
In your face hahaha
and in my house
yes well apartment...
people will have to come over sometimes and stuff mmmhmm
cause mike works late and i get lonely...
yais.
we will have a spare bedroom too wheeeeeeeeeeeeee
anyway moving april 1st yar...
will update further at some point. |
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| yeah... |
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| 12:12pm 26/02/2008 |
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music: Nasty - Janet jackson
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apartment search continues.
Mike is making some calls today while i am at work and we will see what happens.
he has found a few places with like cheap rent...but we will have to check their specs out and whatnot.
And as all that goes on i keep having these odd moments of severe panic.
Like today is meeting day at work and i am scared out of my mind.
I shouldn't be... but i am.
This useless manager is getting to me.
She sickens me and so does her stalky assistant.
all i can do now is just keep going to work and keep quiet.
we all hate her
we all want her to be fired
we all wish there was a way.
So again i am met with a bunch of resistance from my mother...
Now she keeps trying to make everything mike does seem bad so that i perhaps won't want to move with him.
but it's petty little things like "he didn't really try to dress up to come over for supper or anything"
things that really don't matter.
Treally on't care if mike "dressed up" or styles his hair or anything really.
I feel a lot more of a connection with him than i have felt with people in my recent past.
I get a responce when i am talking about my problems... I have long talks about nothing that can go on for hours.
I can see smiles whenever i want without having to go out of my way to get them.
I feel accepted by his family and i don't feel like i have to hide in a room to get away from the yelling.
I'm in a better situation... no why the fuck am i not happy
I am only happy when i am not on this fucking room in this hole in the wall apartment.
All those threats about me having to move out and now she is trying so ard to keep me here.
and when i talk about the shit she has said she tells me she was just in a bad mood.
well i guess i can be in a bad mood too then.
Fuck if she wants me to say what i really think of her she had better fucking watch out
I am really not sure how much more i can take of this
I really don't feel like me lately.
I am so scared to go out anywhere where people will see me without like an assload of makeup on
but yet i never feel like dressing up
I want to go out and have fun and see people but when i come home i just fall into that slump and then i just want to go to sleep.
Maybe i have waited too long...'
maybe staying here and grinning and bearing it has made me weak.
I really don't know... I miss friends i miss parties i miss coming home like i did in the summer to just alex and pointy and pouring myself a drink for while i sit and play wow.
I miss going to the gorcery store and buyng food that is healthy and eating and having a sour stomach from all the grease mom uses when she cooks.
I miss cooking for myself.
I miss not having to explain every move i make or every where i go.
I miss not being an emo loser |
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| blah |
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| 10:09pm 20/02/2008 |
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So i have been quite ill the past week
quite ill we have been.
but finally the prescription is making it go away
i ate my first real solid food today since like maybe last thursday.
so, six pounds lighter, a stealthy new megan immerges from near death (haha not really) to drive away the forces of ... retardedness... i dunno.
anyway i got one of those really expensive coach purses and i am selling it looking to get roughly 250 to 300 out of it
its regular 400 so that's not bad.
this money will really help with me moving out
i
'll post the link when i get to it. |
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| lost time |
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| 10:29pm 07/02/2008 |
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music: seventeen years - ratatat
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I can't help but feel this last month is nothing more than lost time for me.
I feel like i know what i want to do but i can't bring myself to actually do it.
am i scared? hell yes.
am i excited? def.
My mother is trying to make me not want to move but making crazy budget things with all these things budgeted in that i don't buy or use or anything...
Work is getting really stressful again because our manager decided to be stupid and start talking about everyone when they are not around.
she keeps telling me things she says about candace I don't want to be stuck in the middle anymore
I cut myself today
I have to stop that.
I have been having really odd anxiety attacks or something
its like as soon as i have to leave mikes house or drive him home or whatever i start to panic.
this also happens when i have to go in to work and when i have to come home from work.
I have to move...maybe once i am free to be myself and i don't feel like i have to hide everything i own that is even slightly questionable (condoms and the like) in my purse and keep it with me at all times maybe then i will feel better, safer. |
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| 01:28pm 14/01/2008 |
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so. i am back
i have a lot of things i want to say about my trip but i will have to do that after i get back from work..
i thought i had more time than this but i got distracted and... yeah i will be home tomorrow to elaborate. |
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| so much for a good trip |
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| 03:36am 04/01/2008 |
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I am sure everyone that reads this knows about how hard it is for me to forget anything
anyway i got a call from mom tonight and she yelled at me to com home
so when i get home she tells me that i have to move out after i get back from my vacation.
why the fuck couldn't she wait till i get back?
I wanted a chance to have a nice trip with mike where i wouldn't be upset and i would be able to relax and have a good time free from worry...but now i have to try to find a place i can afford making almost nothing and that will take pets...my lizards will die if i leave them here and she is not getting alex.
so yeah...
i have no income pretty much and i have to find a place to live in short notice....
I feel so sick.
I hope mom is going to be happy alone cause i sure as hell am not comming to visit. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| halifax again |
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| 11:43am 03/01/2008 |
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mood:  amused music: Haushinka- greenday
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so saterday i leave for halifax.
i am optimistic.
i think it will be lots of fun.
my first trip with my mike.
:}
i most likely will be meeting up with becky and jami and ressa for sure...
and mike has a friend there too laura i think he said.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
gonna be so much fun.
I will take lots of pictures :} lots and lots :} it will be awesome...
oh yeah gotta clear off my camera and pack aaaaaaaaah
running outta time hehehe
anyway i will post with the full report when i get back.
luff luff
:}
~The new me. |
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| A friend in need is a friend indeed. |
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| 12:43pm 23/12/2007 |
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mood: giddy music: this is going nowhere- less that jake
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so...
i suppose the time is nearing.
that time where i am supposed to think about myself...
to sum up what this year has meant to me and what i would like to change for the next one.
I am getting to it early this year because i won't get to it at all if i put it off.
This year has quite possibly been the most mixed up mess of a year i have ever had.
I've lost almost everything that made me comfortable and safe.
I've searched for that feeling in a few different places since...
and in one of the most unexpected places ever i found something much more.
for the first time in my life i am starting to see smile lines on my face..
I laugh without reason.
I go into my work with a smile on my face.
It's working.
I thank whatever messed up omnipresent or twisted plan that was layed out for me.
I thank whatever it is that sent him my way.
I am truely happy...and i actually mean it this time.
Recently i thought i was really slipping...
But at least i had a hand that could come in and pull me out of it.
I am back on the right track...
So my newyears resolution(s) will be as fallows.
~No more illegal substances. (been having trouble with this lately...but i've got three weeks in)
~No more self distructiveness, cutting, or drinking alone. (this also includes taking better care of myself... I.E sleeping more, eating better, putting an effort into relaxing once in a while)
~Move out. By the end of 2008 i have to be moved out and settled. (i think this is the most important of all resolutions that i have made this year. I really think i need to get away from this place to feel better.)
~No bullshit/ take no bull shit. (from here on out.. No bullshit. No fake stories to mom about where i am going, No emo crying spells, no angry fits when things don't go my way... i need to learn to controle my emotions better and not get too uptight about what my mother or anyone else thinks)
++++++++++++++
Also.
I got a pay raise.
well not so much a pay raise as they fixed my pay because it had been wrong for a little while.
Lori went out and got on their asses and they finally fixed it.
wheeee moneys.
I see the makings of goooood timez!!!!!!!!
And finally.
HALIFAX!!!!!!! JANUARY 5-13TH!!!! GOOOOOD TIMEZ!!!
merry xmas and hapy new year...
~i'm wearing my happy face |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| been a while since i have done one of these |
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| 01:21am 18/12/2007 |
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RULES;
001. put your music player on shuffle
002. for each question press the 'next' button to get your answer
003. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
if someone says 'is that ok' you say;
relax don't do it
what would best describe your personality;
Eat me drink me (awyeah!)
what do you like in a guy or girl;
Randal gets drunk (hahahhahahahahha)
how do you feel today;
Injection of love (these are turning out kinda neat)
what is your life's purpose;
Day to Daze
what is your motto;
Nobody does it better (awyeah)
what do your friends think of you;
Chain me free
what do you think of often;
Hovercar
what do you think of your best friend;
Always look on the bright side of life (actually couldn't say it better myself)
what do you think of the person you like;
Drop dead gorgeous
what is your life story;
Firestarter
what do you want to be when you grow up;
I wanna be a producer
what do your parents think of you;
in your head
how will you feel at your funeral;
Rest
what will they play at your wedding;
Playgirl
what is your hobby or interest;
Star Traveler.
what is your biggest fear;
Slept so long
what is your biggest secret;
Home Computer
what do you think of your friends
Becoming Insane
What is the last dream you can remember;
Blind
What do you hate;
Head like a hole
what would you say if you won the lottery;
Punk
What would you name your next pet;
Sentient
what song did you hit this time;
Time Lock
whats your dream job;
What R U guys talking about?
what do you think the you in a paralell universe is listening to right now;
John for the working man
what do you think of when your alone;
Fire coming out of the monkey's head
whats the last thing you want to say before you die;
The story of 100 isles
whats the first thing you`ll say to your first child;
Hate me
second child;
Die another day
what would be the title of your first book;
Satellite |
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